Marlo/Shuffle-T vs. Dirtbag Dan/Caustic

Round 1

Marlo & Shuffle-T

Fuck the U.K.!

Fuck the monarchy

Fuck tea

Fuck the fuckin’ NHS

Having a Prime Minister is gay

And our accents a joke

Daniel we know

We just covered 99 percent of the angles you wrote

‘Cause when you’re against international opponents you’re never direct with your lines

Instead you rely on every cliché that exemplifies the well-known nation from where they reside

If we were from The Federated States of Micronesia, the fuck would you say, Dan?

You’d have a terrible time

You need to stop depending on stereotypes you fat, gun-toting American guy

And after recycling his leftovers from Deffinition

They’re gonna call us homosexual, there’s a given

So we thought we can make this more interesting

And came up with a clever system

Every time they say that we are gay and don’t have sex with women

We’ll add another bar to our third round about Dan’s Dad’s meth addition

You’re both called Dan

Thanks for the name flip opportunities

It’s Dan and Dan

And even the and in Dan and Dan is an anagram of Dan

So really it’s Dan and an anagram of Dan and Dan

AKA Dan, Dan Dan

Dan, Dan, Daaaan!

Dan, Dan, Dan

This Daniel here is so excited about this

He’s the only person here who has been calling this match great

When he got it confirmed he lifted up Caustic like Pat Stay

His wife cooked him a big old breakfast this morning with ham steaks and all four of our faces drawn in the pancakes

The caption underneath in powdered sugar read “Hope you all have a grand day”

In preparation for today, this dude created a mood playlist of tunes and named it “The Shufflo Vibes”

It’s literally “Happy” by Pharrell Williams duplicated a hundred times

But let’s be real, we’re grateful to be on the West Coast

You’ve got to laugh, most of the battles here today are proper hard

These people here have paid and they want some bars

And somehow us ridiculous comic marks have got the part at an event in which Diz, Verb and Hoffa star?

What the fuck?

Yo, Lush, listen

Thanks a million, but you’re a bad magician

This is not our card

Surely this is a purely big mistake

As soon as you got the flights paid for we knew something was up, dude

Surely now no one with any money will trust you

I can imagine him and Lush sitting just buzzing on mushrooms

As soon as they hit confirm payment they went, “The fuck did we just do?”

And Caustic, what the hell are you doing?

You’re battling with Dirtbag Dan

I think you’ve hit your head, you know?

You’re battling with Dirtbag Dan!

That’s a bigger risk than wearing those [points to Shuffle's shoes]

Did you not see the flyer?

Did it not click that this was set in stone?

I know they call you the career ender

I just didn’t think they meant your own

Caustic is so pissed

What the fuck are you doing here, Mr. Serious?

What were you smoking?

I can imagine when the trailer dropped and he watched the whole thing he called up Dirt like, “Oh man, I kind of thought you were joking”

Mate, you didn’t think this through a damn bit

Dan’s shit, trust me you can’t lift this human baggage

And you know the kind of shit we pull

Just silly kookie antics, fuckin’ immature dramatics

This battle will destroy the image you’ve established

Let’s take your interview with Rap Grid

You just battled Aye Verb

You said you wanted Big T

Shit you even hinted moves to Patrick

You’re a serious dude and that’s it

But I guess in a room with Dan it’s simple who the man is

So now you’re battling us

Two nincompoops with wack kicks who sniff the boot and rap sick

Just some kids who grew up acting and switched to do some rapping

We’re so incredibly overrated there’s no sense in us going places

And all that’s left we’re going to say is

Caustic this is who you’re battling!

DIRTBAG DAN & CAUSTIC

Right

Y’all ready?

You know what rhymes with Marlo and Shuffle-T?

Ah no, no no

You know what? I don’t think we’re gonna do that

What the fuck, man?

Go ahead, you fuckin’ go

Already fuckin’ this shit up, go ahead

Yo, you wanna know what rhymes with Marlo and Shuffle-T?

None of y’all can fuck with me

Before I murdered Verb I was a certified vet

But I’m white and I’m funny so I don’t get any respect

I say fuck that shit

I’m tried way less than Verb did in the end

They only book my ass to ruin the integrity of the event

The second he stepped on that stage, he was already dead

I saw the bitch in his eyes, that’s how I knew I had got in his head

And Illmac about to stomp his ass with the pen

And if Verb got a problem with what I said, tell him to drink some fuckin’ water before you end up in fuckin' hospital again bitch

Hey, if you’re gonna get on your Verb shit, I'ma get on my bird shit

‘Cause y’all both white, like bird shit

I’ll get the drop on ‘em like bird shit

You fuck around with me you’ll end up all over the news like bird shit

Yo you keep droppin’ all this bird shit

You’re gonna get the fuckin’ bird flu like Verb did

Fuck that shit

I came to take your head like a trophy, T

How it’s supposed to be

Watch your British bitch get fucked on cam like Sophie Dee

I watch porno too, right after my wife goes to sleep

You know you fucked up when you accepted those flights?

You know how close this is to Mexico, right?

You’ll learn lessons in life if you get through the night

Shit, you fuck around with me you’ll get Jefferson Price'd

You know what happened to Jefferson Price?

He got slapped by that fat bitch and it ended his life

Marlo’s bitch look just life Jefferson’s wife

To fuck he gotta lift the coochie fat

While you're out of town she got your homies at the place

Putting cream on her face like a Gucci tat

She barely let you fuck missionary

They got the cameras out and the lights on

Filming British movies after she open her snatch they give her the Full Monty Python

Yo I said I’m good in the hood

I know L.A. crooks

They let this British fairy come all the way out to L.A. shook

I choke you in front of everybody, I'll let L.A. look

I'll put him in that super mega hold, that's L.A. Looks

Which one of these fuckers are you talking to?

Combover or Doctor Who?

What the fuck is a Doctor Who?

You know? Fuckin’ Doctor Who

Doctor Who like Chinese dude on sauce in Doctor Who [?]

No, Doctor Who, it’s a TV show on the BBC, dude with the Tardis

There's a BBB show about a Chinese dude who's retarded?

No Caustic

If there was, I would totally watch it

Look that’s way off topic, stay by us

No I said we’re Californian, I need you to stay bias

Plus, we’ve got these big beautiful beards and they’ve got facial hair like fuckin’ gay pirates

Hey, these faggots think that they invented multis

You come from the wrong scene

These fuckin’ bizarre dweebs have been fuckin’ with our steez

It's nothing for one of us to... hundreds of long schemes

But the trouble with that Shuffle is what do the bars mean?

I’m tryin’ to make a sonnet to tug at your heartstrings

You’re trying to force multis, some of them aren’t clean

So if you’re going to take your whole fuckin' shit from the WRCs

Try to limit it to a couple of bars, please

Round 2

MARLO & SHUFFLE-T

I loved all that over-performing like fuckin’ acting shit

And I love the fact that in that vlog you said you weren’t practicing

Yo, Soul fuckin’ K.O.’ed you, mate

Sorry guys

I know how the past is one thing but Soul mowed down his ass with one swing

Thrown out for harmful punching

And if you hear different, it’s like music trivia, No Doubt Stefani’s frontin’

Alright look maybe that day’s a little fuzzy in my memory

But back at home him exposing Jeff is still by some considered treachery

But tell the truth, Caustic

It meant more than a battle to you when you dumped the shit on Jeffy P

It was nothing personal

He’s just incredibly morally upstanding when it comes to infidelity

And it’s not just Caustic’s performance that causes divorces

He writes down the stuff that you’ve been doing in his book of sins

Then tells your girl what you’ve been doing in the bulletin

She starts crying eating straight out of a pudding tin as he breads her hair like, “I said you were too good for him”

Ask any chick in the place

They’ll tell you who’s really the biggest snitch in the game

It’s not the biggest breakage of the bro code that’s been done

You start hanging around them at first he seems totally fun

Then he finds out that one of his homies in love

Then he starts wearing a fuckin’ wire when he goes to the club

And his boy’s telling a story like, “So she pouts her cheeks says she’s gonna go down on me”

And then Caustic chimes in like, “Whoa, that’s sweet, say it again just a little bit louder please”

Look at this fuckin’ guy

You must live like a slob I’m sure

You’re the type to order a plasma screen to your crib and set it up on the floor

I bet you’ve got two microwaves

One that doesn’t work at all

And one that only works when you hold the door

And Dan thinks he’ll be remembered for the lyrics in his tunes

I think that’s really cute

But you’re a long way away from a hit single with some views

So it’s a massive fuckin’ stretch to think that things will look up soon

Trying to make that Dream Work but boy you’re fishing from the moon

Now when you’re up on stage, battling saying something amusing

Telling the guy that you’re against that he’s ugly and stupid

And you remember you had dreams of being loved for your music

Do you ever stop and think to yourself, “What the fuck am I doing?”

What is proper depressing is when the family dog catches you jackin’ off and you have to sulk like, “God, I’m pathetic”

We sent Dan a vlog to be used in his podcast

Then, get this, the bit we filmed was dubbed with the wrong stuff

You got us!

And then Dan was like, “Yeah! Think you can come on my show and talk that kind of smack to me?”

Oh yeah, ‘cause with your millions of viewers we would have really caused some damage, D

The numbers that watched your show so strongly scared and baffled me

I had to email our original footage to all 12 of them, manually

But let’s switch this shit

It’s the British kids

English pricks

Home of Rizzle Kicks, Little Mix, Wiz and Scizz, and fish and chips

Really weird things to list but keep going Shuffle mate stick with it

We’re taking over your judicial shit like the American colonies at 1766

You like that random historical reference?

That’s a rhetorical question

We got this in the palm of our hands

We’re just spinnin’ it in our finger tips

The battle clowns can still hammer down we make standing out our initiative

So the Cali crowd can gather round as the West Coast witnesses the Red Coats in this flick [?] like the dress code of Schindler's List

DIRTBAG DAN & CAUSTIC

I understand

To be a battler these days you don’t need to be a part of the music biz or have any concept of what music is

But where do we draw the line with this stupid shit?

There’s a difference between us spitting bars and you two talking in unison

You’re not even battle rappers, you’re free-form speech enthusiasts

You’re battle actors

You don’t even fuckin’ rap

You do sketch comedy and you suck at that

Don’t Flop put you on but off top that’s a bad decision

Like one of Lush’s hats

Shit, at least it wasn’t one of Aspect’s fuckin’ ugly-ass bucket hats

Lookin’ like ScHoolboy tool, what the fuck is that?

Nobody’s safe!

I mean honestly I think it’s kinda tight the way Shuffle recites his bars

And then Marlo comes in and says something kinda smart

But the reality is y’all spend less time apart than pussy lips when vaginas fart

We some veterans believe it so we’re not threatened by your secrets

I mean the delivery’s kind of clever but the setups aren’t as seamless

No wonder your bars always seem to sounds better in a sequence

But whenever you’re not together everyone remembers that you’re English

That’s why y’all pale in comparison

No y’all pale in comparison

It’s embarrassing, makes me wish I had melanin I could share with ‘em

I tell you what, here’s a travel tip

Head up to CBS, get some suntan lotion, smother that shit

Make sure you get on baldy’s forehead real good ‘cause his wispy-ass bangs don’t cover that shit

Marlo’s basically a fuckin’ heretic ‘cause he fuckin’ lies about where his hair exists

If you’re really not embarrassed, bitch, why don’t you lift up that cheap-ass toupee and show us where it is?

More travel tips

Make sure you collect your miles from that airline when you get back

And make sure you let the stewardess know that your hairline suffers from jetlag

It looks like your forehead made the trip but your hairline got left back

And no Mexico, but if you started sweating right now you’d have a wet back

At least I’m not going to be a hype man for the rest of my life, dawg

It’s ironic Marlo’s whiter than a Q-Tip and he’s forever Shuffle-T’s Phife Dawg

I'm on my Spy vs. Spy shit, I'll rig his cell so when he answer his phone it blow up like a side chick

I can see into your future Marlo, I’m a mothafuckin’ psychic

You lucky that T mobile ‘cause you only known for the sidekick

Y’all like the Nicole Richie and Paris type

Nah, the Cameron and Ferris type

Kinda like a pirate with a parrot type

Bottom feeding, talent leaching personality parasite

That’s why we only listen to what Shuffle’s saying

A Marlo battle is like a poker game

If you don’t see a good Shuffle, it’s not worth playing

What the fuck does Marlo even bring to the table?

At least Shuffle’s a character

He’s got the bars, the charisma, the striking good looks

And what has Marlo got?

A fuckin’ free trip to America

Aye, look

We could go on forever with these Marlo bars because everybody likes Shuffle more

But it’s getting old playing games with Marlo I bet Shuffle bored

Yo, y’all are supposed to be best friends?

How many times you tried to fight each other?

I feel like me and Caustic are better friends and most of the time we don’t even like each other

I still got his back just like a brother

And I’m down to scrap if Dan’s ever got in some trouble

But wait a minute, what would it look like if Marlo and Shuffle ever got in a scuffle?

[Dan and Caustic get into a mock fight]

Round 3

MARLO & SHUFFLE-T

Dissing me for bolding blatantly

‘Cause you wished that your ginger wife actually shared the same fate as me

You’re right, I am a speech enthusiast

And it’s never fiction

It’s more like your Dad ‘cause when I rap my meth addiction (method diction)

Now Lush assured us that we were gonna get plenty of ass on the West Coast

Even went as far as to offer us his family members

Well since our plane landed, you will not believe the action we’re tasting

I met a chick yesterday at ??? station

Her rack was amazing and she was Asian

We started chatting away and she asked me back to her place

‘Cause she needed some help getting her mattress inflated

Anyway, I showed her a picture of my girlfriend and said I’m happily taken

WELL-MANNERED BRITS!

She started backing away then gave me a double thumbs up and started randomly waving

Cali’s amazing

Especially when you’re as awesome as this

Yesterday went to talk to a chick, awkward as shit

Four minutes in, boring the bitch

But let’s just say, the oral was sick

By which I mean she was orally sick

Caustic ya prick!

You look like you’ve been drawing your beard on with a marker tip

Your facial hair is worse than Marlo’s is

You look like John Turturro in Barton Fink if he went apple bobbing in a barber’s sink

Hey Dan, great performance against Charlie Clips

Fuckin’ idiot! It was the total opposite

The only bit I liked from that chokathon was this

Seven minutes 17 seconds, go and watch the clip

You go to bop his fist but he don’t respond with his

So you just hang for a second and drop pathetically like Wile E. Coyote floating off the cliff

And that rejection probably sent him into seething pain

‘Cause being self-obsessed is in his DNA

And guess what America? I’m not gonna rhyme that with Aaliyah’s plane

Why does everybody keep rhyming shit with Aaliyah’s plane?

That was 13 fuckin’ years ago that scheme is played

Stop bringing it up or you’ll be going down, like Aaliyah’s plane

Now I didn’t want to be the one to pass the message

But you’re both getting old and you can’t accept it

You still getting on your little skateboards, Dan?

Still trying to shred it?

You can’t really go on a skateboard anymore can you? You’re far too heavy

That’s why I said it

Both of them are trying to grab on to their youthful cheer

Dan uses slang he doesn’t know hasn’t been used for years

Walks up like "What's up daddio, what's the scoop in here? You guys have been out skateboarding? TUBULAR!"

And your music video to “Concentrate”

You got that shit poppin’, Dan

You’ve even got Caustic downing a beer at the end and then he flips off the can

Yeah, you’ve still got it, lads

That’s why Dan’s our biggest supporter at nearly 33

It started off on his show just kind of inadvertently

But now he’s basically like our really pushy parent

Enforcing the strictest work regime

“Come on guys, that really didn’t fuckin’ work for me

This is our fifth rehearsal, let’s see a big of urgency”

Every battle that we’re in he’s standing in the wing

Goes all Joe Jackson with a stick if we’re not spitting perfectly

He waves his fist frustrated if we skip a word 'cause he thinks we did it purposefully

And then his face goes like Anchorman’s son, a little Burgundy

The last time a parent pushed me that hard she was in a surgery, lying on her back fuckin’ giving birth to me

He watches over us like we’re kids in nursery

Trying to use us only so to live out his disturbing dream

Stop trying to recapture your youth through us you sick, perverted freak

‘Cause we’re fighting back this time like a Prince of Persia scene

How’s it going, Pinocchio?

Fuckin’ nose like a Toblerone

You need a reality check if you’re planning again to go in exposing mode

I mean if every single fuckin’ week your own kid's at home exposed to you

Stoned on ya homie’s show or posing drunk before a battle trying to pose like it’s totally dope

You need to question as a parent if you’ve shown him the ropes, you know?

‘Cause your role model levels, lower than poRICH's vocal tone

This is the guy they call the career ender

More like the fuckin’ tattletale who’ll say anything to get them to listen

Caustic brings up your alleged convictions

And then he’ll sketch a description so that a sentence is given

But it's not detention or prison, it’s dealt in a written

And even two posh guys from Reading in Britain can tell that it’s snitchin’

It’s as if all he’s doing is embellishing wisdom

But he brought up the way Jeffy was living

So attention was driven from his own tensions with women

You ignore your own problems by taking your enemies shit and exposing them in an instance

But he’s developed addiction

Worse than Dirtbag’s Dad with his meth in the kitchen

You ever think they way you act with leave effects on your infant?

Like he won't see Daddy doing drugs and remember it hit him?

Though he thinks he dealing justice that’s just his devils within him

Trying to find a place to hide away from his own pathetic existence

And whilst we’re here, on the West Coast, in neutral grounds, in the Western Contingent

We thought we’d put our diplomatic ties to work

‘Cause frankly, all this silly international bother has got us sad and kind of hurt

So before Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan and Dan recite their third

Organik, we want to put this Don’t Flop spat behind us first

Shuffle! What’s that you have inside your shirt?

A peace treaty!

Gee, really?

And it’s signed by Eurgh

Whoa!

Now Dizaster, this isn’t laminated

And it’s our only copy

So if you can oblige, sir

Now Organik

Fuck it, Lush

If you can sign here, we can have a night of mirth

And some fireworks

Sorted, BOLA

The war is over

Woo!

DIRTBAG DAN & CAUSTIC

These fuckin’ 90-pound pussies talking real greezy

You better be ready to turn up

You do fuckin’ three minutes about me and Jeff and then you start bringing his girl up

Yo, if you bring up my fuckin’ son I’ma punch you in your nuts

Do you follow soccer, by the way? No, you should have wore your World Cup

These fuckin' queens did a battle where they licked the cream out of Oreos

That shit wouldn’t be gayer if you filmed the whole thing through a glory hole

You just do whatever Eurgh tells you to, honestly, what the fuck for?

Sure, Shuffle can get the cream off a cookie faster

We both know which one of you sucks more

So wait

Y’all just ate the middle of the cookie? I don’t think that’s the way it should be

Bunch of white guys eating the white part of the cookie?

I dunno, that shit sounds pretty fuckin’ racist to me

Well I bought some Oreos today and I’ve got just the plan

Let’s do a web redemption since we’re up on cam

Before we finish this round, one of you eats one of these fuckin’ cookies like a fuckin’ man

Anybody? Cookie? Biscuit? Biscuits?

And y’all trying to be the fuckin’ champs?

Shit, Peter and Greg will put y’all to shame

Look it’s Adam and Theo

More like Adam and the old ball and chain

Yo, I can’t wait for the day your little relationship finally ends

‘Cause one would die without the other

You’re basically fuckin’ Siamese friends

Is this how you wanna spend the rest of your future?

Your best friend’s a loser, a desperate moocher, surviving off your talent and your sense of humor

This is Hollywood, Shuffle

I brought you out here to make maneuvers

I've been to that shitty country you’re from I know you want to escape your future

Your father basically lives at the pub but you can’t blame him for being a daytime boozer

‘Cause your mom’s a typical British bitch

She got big old tits with a face like Cruger’s

That’s ‘cause her ancestors are incesters

That’s the problem with your country, fam

Your aunt’s father’s were in sisters

So your Grandmother looks like a fuckin’ man

Wait a minute, Dan

Since we’re battling British kids don’t you think we should put it in some shit they can understand?

Okay

Shuffle’s Nan has supple cans but her face resembles Russell Brand

That’s fuckin’ disgusting, you couldn’t pay me to stuff her clam

Don’t be in such a rush now, Dan

I mean on the other hand

A nice guy like me could stomach Shuffle's nan

For a couple grand I’ll fuck the bitch dressed like I’m fuckin’ Uncle Sam

America! Fuck yeah!

You’ll hear the rockets red glare when they cockin' and spray

It’s a revolution so when it’s party time, I’ma throw T off the Dock Of The Bay

I'm like Daniel Boone when those cannons boom

I’m like Davy Crockett when I wave these rockets

I’m like George Washington when I…

Dan, you’re not fuckin’ George Washington, stop it

This hyper America bullshit is fuckin’ way too obnoxious

Fuck that shit, Caustic

They used to fear the beard, I lose a couple battles and now I’m doubted?

It’s like y’all forgot who burned down Ness Lee’s house just so I could write a fuckin’ round about it

Sorry, Ness!

You beat us in a dream you better wake up and apologize

He’s holding back your character, you basically Han Solo in the carbonite

You couldn’t walk a mile in his shoes

You couldn’t fill an inch of his condom size

It’s like without Shuffle the entire operation is compromised

It’s pretty safe to say I know where the problem lies ‘cause without you one of ‘em will not survive

I’ma give you a minute to let that sink into your head like Marlo’s eyes

Basically, as far as them bars go

Me and Caustic got stripes like a barcode

People in the back are like, “Why didn’t they write more Shuffle bars?”

Well that’s easy

‘Cause Shuffle’s fuckin’ awesome, dude

Fuck you, Marlo!

Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments section.