If Dizaster & Math Hoffa Boxed

Since it seems as though the rumored boxing match between Dizaster and Math Hoffa isn't going down, we thought we'd put together an imaginary play-by-play of what it might have looked like if it had.

PLEASE NOTE: None of the events mentioned below happened, and some aren’t even physically possible. Any resemblance to any persons real or fictional is wholly unintentional, apart from Math Hoffa and Dizaster. Those bits are on purpose. This is satirical. Please read it as such.

The boxing match between rappers Dizaster, fighting out of Krack City, and Math Hoffa, whose NYB training camp has coached him to several high-profile knockouts in one-way boxing tournaments, was a hugely anticipated event. Dizaster initially tried to stage the fight at the Colosseum in Rome, but eventually settled for Madison Square Garden after deciding that there would simply be too many hadoukens to justify the insurance costs at the archaeological place of interest. Headlining a card that elsewhere featured Daylyt vs. a bowl of chili and 100 Bulletz vs. 100 bullets, the battle looked set to redefine the very nature of punching.

Here is a round-by-round account of what actually happened.

Photoshop by Daniel Mark Wright.

ROUND 1

The referee tried to bring the fighters together to touch gloves, but much of the first round was spent trying to find Dizaster as he rushed around the arena handing out photocopies of the last six months of Math Hoffa’s bank statements to each and every member of the audience. By the time Diz appeared in the ring, Math had become disgruntled and flattened the referee with a swift and severe right hook. He smiled charismatically afterwards, and people quickly forgot.

ROUNDS 2, 3 and 4

Much the same as Round 1. There are an awful lot of people you can squeeze into Madison Square Garden. However, Math, having already disposed of the referee, had come into possession of a crowbar and a hostage. Jealous, Dizaster turned on his jetpack and knee-dropped Math Hoffa from a great height. Math Hoffa was disappointed with the proceedings after four rounds of boxing that were mostly boxing-free, and the devastating leak of his personal information. He was also unconscious for three minutes, but fortunately for him, when the referee was counting to ten he was struck by an aneurysm from his previous Hoffa-ing which left him stuck on six, allowing Math to clamber back to his feet. The hostage had fled, somehow setting the scorekeepers’ table on fire.

ROUND 5

By this point, to the relief of the now-financially-well-informed crowd, the fighting has commenced. A teeth-grindingly even flurry of jabs from Hoffa was met with a brick wall of defence from Diz. As in he had subcontracted the construction of a seven-foot-by-four-foot brick bunker in the ring that looked like a half finished igloo. The brick was hard, and the cement inconvenient. It was an inspired move, and one that had the crowd whooping with approval.

Hoffa, however, famously does not approve of whooping, and Superman punched a third of the middle section of the audience through the backs of their chairs. One by one. If there was one thing that could bring back Hoffa’s game after the jet pack and the giant igloo bunker, it was a blood-curdling whoop to get his hackles up. With his bonus meter at full capacity, he unloaded a 35-hit combo on Dizaster, who at one point entered the stratosphere after a particularly well-placed uppercut.

One of the scorekeepers, still on fire, gave the round to Hoffa, let a single tear roll down his cheek, said goodbye to his wife and choked screaming on his own crumbling skin.

ROUND 6

This round took place on Twitter, and was arguably the most savage bout.

By this point KOTD owner Organik had been flown in as a makeshift host, but after the boxing event had entered cyberspace his concept of both left and right had been shattered, and he was airlifted out just as quickly due to his inability to announce either of the rappers.

Math Hoffa won the round due to acquiring more retweets, then Dizaster shut a door on his head fifteen times to bring Hoffa almost to the brink of unconsciousness and defeat. The door was not actually attached to anything.

Daylyt had been quietly pooping in the corner dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz for all six rounds, but no one noticed since they were simply used to it by this point. Math Hoffa spat out a few teeth and politely asked Day to leave, taking the round by the scruff of its neck at the final hurdle.

ROUND 100

At this point, Dizaster went Super Saiyan, sprouted giant metal hands and turned into a dinosaur of his own creation. Madison Square Garden was reduced to a smouldering husk, audience members were being crushed by the hundreds and New York was being stomped into a rather unflattering crater format. However, upon realizing he hadn’t really done much, and had only engaged in one round of actual boxing, he turned his attentions back to Hoffa, who was now really, really small compared to him.

Math Hoffa, meanwhile, was distracted, kicking a vending machine to pieces for not having bars like that. As Dizaster had him cornered, his arch-nemesis Sunlyt appeared with his pack of mini-goons and Diz forgot his entire plan of attack, staggered around, reverted to normal person size and started shouting at random strangers in what was left of the crowd.

In the end, Dizaster beat himself, Math Hoffa beat half of the audience and nobody won because Daylyt pooped during it. Also it didn't count because it wasn't on URL.

Math Hoffa was a victim of 3,500 counts of credit card fraud.

Diz died of being a giant metal dinosaur.

The scorekeeper’s wife mourned for weeks but then moved on quickly enough that her neighbors thought she must not have been that happy with him in the first place.

The whole thing still didn’t do as much damage as "Ether."

Then what happened? Let us know in the comments below.